These Christmas Blues

A few days left before Christmas and I am having the blues.  This is not my usual self.  Last night, after I lulled my son to sleep, I felt the cold breeze on my cheeks and I said to myself "this is going to be a cold Christmas--literally and figuratively".

Not really concerning the literal coldness of Christmas, I have realized that I have been actually cold (figuratively)  the whole year round.  Looking back to what brought me to this coldness, I am in denial.  I am affected--badly and severely.

I remembered my last conversation with him and he said, "What you are right now is only the result of what I have done.  It was a terrible mistake and I am sorry.  I hope that you will return to what I have known to love."

That was an aha! moment for me.  I have been punishing myself for over a year to be the strong super woman which I am actually not.  Inside this strong and composed facade is a wounded woman who cannot seem to put things back together for herself and for her child.  Tears started to form in my eyes and as they were about to roll down my cheeks, I gathered myself and promised to never cry again.  And I began to shiver all over again.

I am in denial... I am fragile and I am afraid.

Fear is the most paralyzing of all emotions... indeed.  Look at me.

These Christmas blues...